100 Funny Sayings

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Here we have an awesome collection of funny sayings that will surely brighten your day and make you smile, it doesn’t matter the situation you are facing right now, these funny sayings will surely make you smile throughout your day.

A List Of Funny Sayings

1. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it- Bob Hope

2. Debt is normal. Be weird -Dave Ramsey

3. The Trick is to stop thinking of it as “your” money -IRS auditor

4. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway-???

5. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

6. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”― Rodney Dangerfield

7. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

8. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”― George Carlin

9. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket -Kin Hubbard

10. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

11. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

12. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

13. There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t.

14. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

15. The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain’t so- Mark Twain

16. He has not a single redeeming defect – Benjamin Disraeli

17. When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory – John Mortimer

18. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes)

19. “Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.”

20. “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

21. “Reality continues to ruin my life.”

22. “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”

23. I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces – Mark Twain

24. Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age – Groucho Marx

25. I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building – Charles Shulz

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26. Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness – Ambrose Bierce

27. “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”

28. “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

29. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

30. “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

31. Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts – Peckeroy

32. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy -Groucho Marx

33. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money -Jackie Mason

34. Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort -Helen Gurley Brown

35. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well – Len Deighton

36. The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments -Mad Magazine

37. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair -Sam Ewing

38.Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves. Earl Wilson

39. Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind -Kay Ingram

40. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore -Yogi Berra

41. Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper – Source Unknown

42. My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a director – Cole Porter

43. He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job – Source Unknown

44. A Father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be -Unknown

45. Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his kids to college -Bill Vaughn

46. What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about? – Curtis Spencer

47. We are the people our parents warned us about – Jimmy Buffett

48. In the game of life, it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season – Billy Vaughan

49. I am having an out of money experience -Unknown

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The Funny Saying Continues

50. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to -Dorothy Parker

51. We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure -Keith Davis

52. The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity than a friend is a creditor -Unknown

53. The shinbone is a device that is made for finding furniture in a dark room.-???

54. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others – Groucho Marx

55. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does – Source Unknown

56. USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population – Dave Letterman

57. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place-???

58. An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops -???

59. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.-???

60. “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.-Terry Pratchett

61. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”  Rodney Dangerfield

62. The more you understand, the crazier you get.

63. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein

64. At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. ~ Patrick Moore

65. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain

66. Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood

67. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R – Dennis Miller

68. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.-???

69. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.-???

70. “It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.”

71. “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

72. “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

73. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

74. “Everything you can imagine is real-somewhere.

75. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein

76. Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town? – Mark Twain

77. A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on – G. C. Lichtenberg

78. Duct tape is like the Force; it has a dark side, a light side, and it’s what holds the universe together.-Duckluv

79. The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.

80. When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.

81. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

82. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

83. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

84. True friends won’t pick rainbow road in Mario Kart.

85. The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything

86. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side

87. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter

88. Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

89. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money -Gordon Liddy

90. Money will buy you a pretty dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail -Henry Wheeler Shaw

91. By the time I have money to burn; my fire will have burnt out -Unknown

92. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it -Unknown

93. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments – Flip Wilson

94. I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them – Mark Twain

95. A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another – Source Unknown

96. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.-???

97. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.-???

98. life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while-???

99. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.-???

100. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.-???

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