120+ Jokes About Men

A huge list of jokes about men that will crack you to bits. This is not meant to insult the men folk, rather it is just for the fun of it. I bet you have never had it like this before.

Sexist Jokes About Men – Funny Jokes About Men

1. Q: What’s the difference between a man and a condom? A: Condoms have changed. They’re no longer thick and insensitive!

2. Q: What’s the most common sleeping position of a man? A: Around.

3. Q: What does a penis and an ego have in common? A: All men have one!

4. Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A: A power failure.

5. Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego… A: “Is it in?” What is the difference between a man and a vulture? A vulture waits until you’re dead before ripping your heart out.

6. Q: How can you tell if your man is happy? A: Who cares?

7. Q: How many knees do men really have? A: 3…. right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

8. Q: When would you want a man’s company? A: When he owns it.

9. Q: What do you give a man with everything? A: Penicillin.

10. Q: Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

11. Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorwrist

12. Q: What do you call a man with an opinion? A: Wrong.

13. Q: Why don’t women blink during sex? A: There isn’t enough time.

14. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A woman to show him how to work it.

15. Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven? A: They never stop to ask directions

16. Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.

17. Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys watching a football game.

18. Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

19. Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes.

20. Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It’s not hard.

21. Q: Why are men sexier than women? A: You can’t spell sexy without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don’t work half the time!

22. Q: Why doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job? A: He still ends up with the same boss.

23. Q. Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

24. Q: What do you call a married man vacuuming? A: Doing what he’s told…

25. Q: Why don’t some men have a mid-life crisis? A: They’re stuck in adolescence.

26. Q: Why are Good Men like parking spaces? A: The good ones are already taken!

27. Q: Why are men like cars? A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

28. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

29. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

30. Q: How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? A: Two – if you slice them very thinly.

31. Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease? A: Because they are pigs.

32. Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

33. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

34. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack

35. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

36. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

37. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: “It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?”

38. Q: How do men define a “50/50” relationship? A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

39. Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

40. Q: How do males exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

41. Q: What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A: A closed mouth and an open wallet.

42. Q: What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? A: They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

43. Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore.

44. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

45. Q. Why don’t women have men’s brains? A. Because they don’t have penises to keep them in!

46. Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A: All invented by women.

47. Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

48. Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

49. Q: Why did god invent men? A: Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn

50. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends.

51. Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A: All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

52. Q: What did God say after creating man? A: I can do so much better.

53. Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds? A: Bonds mature.

54. Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!

55. Q: How is a man like a used car? A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

56. Q: How do you stop a man from raping you? A: Throw him the remote control.

57. Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A: A barbercue

58. Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A: A pizza and a six pack.

59. Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Patient!

60. Q: What is the difference between a man and a tree? A: One is illegal to hit with an ax.

61. Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women? A: Exchange him.

62. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker.

63. Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

jokes about men1

64. Q: What do men and mascara have in common? A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.

65. Q: What do you call a man who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.

66. Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

67. Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A: So men can be open minded.

68. Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

69. Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.

70. Q: What’s the best way to force a male to do sit ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes.

71. Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say? A: “My wife says…”

72. Q: How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? A: We don’t know it’s never happened.

73. Q: What’s the definition of a woman’s perfect lover? A: A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

74. Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? A: So men can understand them.

75. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

76. Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A: He buys an extra case of beer.

77. Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? A: The man.

78. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

79. Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

80. Q: Why do men name their penises? A: Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Women Jokes About Men – Mean Jokes About Men

81. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius!

82. Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

83. Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? A: Telling you his real name.

84. Q: What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A: Big Foot has been spotted several times.

85. Q. How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn’t want any advice.

86. Q: Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born? A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

87. Q: Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? A: Becuase she was being led by three boys

88. Q: What’s the difference between a man and E.T.? A: E.T. phones home.

89. Q: When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? A: Right after he “comes” inside.

90. Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they’re practicing to be men.

91. Q: What did the elephant say to a naked man? A: Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it?

92. Q. Why do most men prefer cats over dogs? A. Because we hate bitches but we love us some pussy.

93. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?So men can understand them.

94. Why did God create man before woman?Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

95. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

96. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?To keep them from grazing.

97. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?Any place without a drive-up window.

99. What do you call a man with half a brain?Gifted.

100. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

101. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?Exchange him.

102. What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.

103. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

104. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

105. What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy.

106. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

107. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

108. Why do men like smart women?Opposites attract.

109. How are husbands like lawn mowers?They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

110. How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

111. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

112. How do men exercise on the beach?By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

113. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?Make him wear shoes.

114. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

115. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

116. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?ONE……He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

jokes about men3

Short Jokes About Men

117. What did God say after creating man?I can do so much better.

118. What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?Telling you his real name.

119. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?Put the remote control between his toes.

120. What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

121. What’s the smartest thing a man can say?”My wife says….”

121. Men are like…..Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

122. Men are like…..Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

123. Men are like…..Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

124. Men are like…..Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

125. Men are like…..Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

126. Men are like…..Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

127. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Quotes | Questions | Messages | Sayings | Jokes

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *