Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Funny right? I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before. This set of jokes will certainly crack you up. Here we go!!
Jokes About Women – Funny Women Jokes
1. Q: What’s the most common sleeping position of a woman? A: Around.
2. Q: What do you call a woman with no clitoris? A: It doesn’t matter, she’s not going to come.
3. Q: Why are men sexier than women? A: You can’t spell sexy without xy.
4. Q: What book do women like the most? A: “Their husbands checkbook!”
5. Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
6. Q: What’s the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? A: a knife has a point.
7. Q: How much money do you need to satisfy a woman? A: It is always just a little bit more.
8. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
9. Q: What do you call a woman who will gives blowjobs for a pair of Jimmy Choos? A: Head Over Heels
10. Q: Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t find a singing partner? A: She had to buy a duet yourself kit
11. Q: Whats another meaning for a women? A: Finger puppet
12. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
13. Q: What do you call a letter from a feminist? A: Hate male.
14. Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? A: She fits into your wife’s clothes.
15. Q: How is a woman like an airplane? A: Both have cockpits.
16. Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces? A: 6 Women drivers.
17. Q: What do you give a woman with everything? A: Penicillin.
18. Q: What do you call a woman covered in tatoos? A: Muriel.
19. Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
20. Q: What is woman spelled backwards? A: Kitchen. Female Viagra has been around for years……it’s called money!
21. Q: What do toys and womens breasts have in common? A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with
22. Q: Why does Beyonce say to the left to the left to the left and not to the right to the right to the right? A: Women don’t have rights.
23. Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can’t stand to see a man have a good time!
24. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: A $100 bill.
25. Q: What is love? A: The delusion that one woman differs from another. Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana, Boys and rats are same they search only holes.
26. Q: What do you call a girl with Pms and Esp? A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.
27. Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn’t moan when you put meat in it.
28. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: Because they don’t have balls.
29. Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? A: Hopefully your girlfriend.
30. Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced.
31. Q: What do you call a sunburnt girl with a yeast infection? A: Grilled cheese
32. Q: What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women.
33. Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job? A: After five years your job still sucks.
34. Q: Why did God create lesbians? A: So feminists couldn’t breed.
35. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
36. Q. Why do women talk so much? A. Because they have two sets of lips.
37. Q: What worse than finding out your wife’s got cancer? A: Finding out it’s curable.
38. Q: What’s the difference between your bonus and your dick? You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
39. Q: Why is a female like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
40. Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $4.99 a minute.
41. Q: What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam? A: You can’t jelly a dick down a woman’s throat
42. Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion? A: Wrong.
43. Q: What do you call a woman who can’t draw? A: Tracy.
44. Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common? A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.
45. Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A: Marry It!
46. Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for? A: It’s Braille for “suck here”.
47. Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
48. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
49. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, feminists can’t change anything.
50. Q: What do you call a woman who can’t make sandwiches? A: Single.
Funny Jokes About Women – Jokes For Women
51. Q: What do you call a married woman vacuuming? A: Doing what he’s told…
52. Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection? A: So women know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
53. Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? A: They don’t have time.
54. A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
55. Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Women make it hard!
56. Q: Why did God create orgasms? A: So women can moan even when they’re happy.
57. Q: How do you know when it’s time to get a new dishwasher? A: When the old one expects you to “do your share”
58. Q: Why did God make women? A: You think he’s gonna wash the dishes?
59. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs.
60. Q: What is a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in.
61. Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes.
62. Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them.
63. Q: What is loud and obnoxious? A: A woman.
64. Q: How do you blind a woman? A: You put a windshield in front of her.
65. Q: Why shouldn’t you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS? A: Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.
66. Q: Why do women fake orgasms ? A: Because they think men care.
67. Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip). A: The internet, Telephone, Tell a woman
68. Q: What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can’t? A: Cum in five different flavours. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
69. Q: What’s the smartest thing to ever come out a woman’s mouth? A: Einstein’s cock…
70. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
71. Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it? A: The man, he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.
72. Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other? A: Two less mouths that are bitching.
73. Q: Why can’t women drive? A: Because there’s no road between the kitchen and the bedroom
74. Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion? A: Wong
75. Q: What do you call an all women workplace? A: Unsupervised.
76. Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge? A: A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.
77. Q: Why can’t women read maps? A: Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
78. Q: Why are women like condoms? A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
79. Q: Why did God give women orgasms? A: So they’ve got something else to moan about!
80. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
81. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.
82. Q: Why do women wear underwear? A: Because workplace health and safety staes ‘all manholes must be covered when not in use’!
83. Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
84. Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
85. Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day? A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
86. Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.
87. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
88. Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
89. Q: Do you know why women fake orgasms? A: Because men fake foreplay.
90. Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
91. Q: How is a woman like an airplane? A: Both have cockpits.
92. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
93. Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.
94. Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch? A: You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven.
95. Q: Why hasn’t a female been to the moon ? A: Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet!
96. Q: When is the the only time that a women is right? A: When the kitchen isn’t left.
97. Q: Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge? A: The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.
98. Q: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head? A: You don’t!
99. Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin? A: You come in one and go in the other.
100. Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease? A: One attacks the cow’s brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.
Sexist Jokes About Women
101. Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones? A: Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.
102. Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common? A: Both are made for children but it’s the fathers who play with them most.
103. Q: Why can’t you trust a woman? A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die?
104. Q: Why do most men die before their wives? A: They want to!
105. Q: What do girls and camels have in common? A: They both have camel toes.
106. Q: What does a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive? A: Her ankles.
107. Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex? A: They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
108. Q: What did scooby doo say to the lady with the leaky tampon? A: Row row raggy.
109. Q: Why is our salary like a women’s period? A: It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.
110. Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? A: They don’t fucking listen.
111. Q: What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%? A: Wedding Cake!
112. Q: What do you call a woman who raps about women’s rights? A: Feminem
113. Q: Why did God make man first? A: He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.
114. Q: Why do women have such small feet? A: So they can stand closer to the oven.
115. Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A: They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
116. Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? A: Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.
117. Q: What do you call a small parent? A: A minimum!
118. Q: What is the difference between a Feminist and a Dog? A: You tell me!
119. Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip the flat ones!
120. Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause? A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
Men vs Women – Women In The Kitchen Jokes
121. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
122. If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
123. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
124. When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
125. A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
126. A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
127. A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
128. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
129. Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
130. Women love cats.Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
131. A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
132. Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
133. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
134. A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.