200 Best Jokes Ever

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I know you love jokes, good jokes I mean. But its always hard to come across good jokes this days, most of the ones you see has been said many times till it becomes boring. We went extra miles to get you these set of jokes and we are sure you have not heard them before and they will definitely crack you up.

Best Jokes Of All Time –  Best Short Jokes

1. ‘A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.” ‘

2. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost thBree days already.

3. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

4. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

5. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

6. ‘I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”‘

7. ‘A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!” ‘.

8. ‘Dyslexic man walks into a bra…’

9. ‘I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.’

10. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

11. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

12.  I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

13. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

14. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

15.  I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

16.  I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

17. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

18. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

19. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

20.  ‘I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”. ‘

21.  There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

22.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

23.  ‘Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” ‘

24. ‘So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. ‘

25.  I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

26.  ‘I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?” ‘

27.  ‘A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” ‘ Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it. A seal walks into a club…

29.  So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

30. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

31.  I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

32. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

33. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

34. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

35. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

36. ‘I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. ‘

37. ‘My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” ‘

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. ‘ I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”‘

40. mTommy Cooper’s surreal non-sequiturs still raise a laugh today

41.  I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

42. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

43. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

44. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

45. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

46. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

47. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.

48. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

49. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

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Best Clean Jokes – Best Corny Jokes

50. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

51.  I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

52.  I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

53.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

54.  ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

55. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

56.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

57. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

58.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

59.  Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

60. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

61. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

62.  I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

63. ‘The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.’

64. ‘A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” ‘

65. ‘A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?” ‘

66. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

67. ‘A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” ‘

68. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

69. ‘I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.’

70. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

71. ‘When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. ‘

72. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

73. ‘There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?” ‘

74. ‘A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’

75. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

76. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” ‘

77. ‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”. ‘

78. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

79. ‘I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. ‘

80. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

81. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

82. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

83.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

84. 1 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

85.  There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

86. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

87. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

88. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

89. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

90. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

91. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

92. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

93.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

94.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

95.  I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

96. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

97. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

98.  I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

99.  A seal walks into a club…

100.  I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.

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Best Knock Knock Jokes

101. Knock knock! Who’s there? Wurlitzer. Wurlitzer who? Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show…

102. Knock knock! Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way; I’m coming in!

103. Knock knock! Who’s there? Interrupting pirate. Interrupt… ARRRRRRRRR!

104. Knock knock! Who’s there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!

105. Knock knock! Who’s there? Impatient cow. Impatient co… MOO!

106. Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!

107. Knock knock! Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard I know?

108. Knock knock! Who’s there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? Eww, no thanks. I don’t want to smell your poo!

109. Knock knock! Who’s there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!

110. Knock knock! Who’s there? Thor. Thor who? Thor knuckleth from knocking!

111. Knock knock! Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here.

112. Knock knock! Who’s there? Philip. Philip who? Philip my cup, I’m thirsty!

113. Knock knock! Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you! Hand over your cash!

114. Knock knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

115. Knock knock! Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!

116. Knock knock! Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas!

117. Knock knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Aww, don’t cry – it’s just a joke.

118. Knock knock! Who’s there? Goat. Goat who? Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!

119. Knock knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!

120. Knock knock! Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the keyhole to see!

121. Knock knock! Who’s there? Henrietta. Henrietta who? Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

122. Knock knock! Who’s there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen anybody want to let me in?

123. Knock knock! Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little money for the movies.

124. Knock knock! Who’s there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before?

125. Knock knock! Who’s there? Omar. Omar who? Omar goodness, wrong door!

126. Knock knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?

127. Knock knock! Who’s there? Panther. Panther who? Panther no panth, I’m going thwimming!

128. Knock knock! Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin the piggy bank again.

129. Knock knock! Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, it’s overflowing!

130. Knock knock! Who’s there? Butch, Jimmy and Joe. Butch, Jimmy and Joe who? Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a little kiss and never let me Joe.

131. Knock knock! Who’s there? Keith. Keith who? Keith me, my thweet preenth!

132. Knock knock! Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? I’m excited to see you too!

133. Knock knock! Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I knocked!

134. Knock knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!

135. Knock knock! Who’s there? Aardvark. Aardvark who? Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

136. Knock knock! Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda hang out with me right now?

137. Knock knock! Who’s there? Eat mop. Eat mop who? Ewww! Eat your own poo!

138. Knock knock! Who’s there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked. Open up!

139. Knock knock! Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

140. Knock knock! Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock knock jokes!

141. Knock knock! Who’s there? Anee. Anee who? Anee one you like!

142. Knock knock! Who’s there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my bubble gum!

143. Knock knock! Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy who? Wendy bell works again I won’t have to knock anymore.

144. Knock knock! Who’s there? Ken. Ken who? Ken you let me in?

145. Knock knock! Who’s there? Will. Will who? Will you just open the door already?

146. Knock knock! Who’s there? Ice cream. Ice cream who? ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN!

147. Knock knock! Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs your doorbell, it’s not working!

148. Knock knock! Who’s there? Alex. Alex who? Hey, Alex the questions around here!

149. Knock knock! Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe help me with my homework?

150. Knock knock! Who’s there? Moustache. Moustache who? Moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later!

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Best Yo Mama Jokes

151. Yo Mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.

152. Yo momma’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook

153. Yo mama so nasty she looks like an ogre and smells like puss in boots

154. Yo mama so fat, everytime she walks she does the harlem shake

155. Yo momma so fat, they used Google Earth for her school photo.

156. Yo mama’s like the Pillsbury dough boy…. everybody pokes her.

157. Yo momma is so poor she created a gmail account just so she can eat the spam

158. Yo mama so fat I asked her about the M.O.B. tattoo on her arm “Money Over Bitches?” She said “No, Mcdonalds Over Burger King”

159. Yo momma so fat she sued Xbox 360 for guessing her weight

160. Yo mama is so ugly that even Scooby Doo couldn’t solve that mystery.

161. Yo momma is poor when I sat on a skateboard she said (get of my family van)

162. Yo mama so stupid, her teacher told her to get out a pen and paper, and she got out a hen and raped her.

163. Yo moms like a bowling ball she gets picked up fingered thrown in the gutter and still comes back for more!

Best Chuck Norris Jokes- Best Anti Jokes

164. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

165. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

166. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

167. Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

168. Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

169. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

170. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

171. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.

172. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

173. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

174. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

175. The Grimm Reaper fears the day Chuck Norris comes for him

176. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

177. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

178. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

179. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

180. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

181. If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber’s ass.

182. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

183. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

184. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

185. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

186. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

187. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

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Best Blonde Jokes – Best Black Jokes

188. Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything? A: Penicillin.

189. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she’s pregnant.

190. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”

191. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last year’s hide-and-go-seek winner.

192. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.

193.  Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row.

194. Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear? A: “Thanks for the refill!”

195. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.

196. Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof? A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

197. Q: What’s a blondes favorite bread? A: Hump-per-nickel

198. Q: Why did the blonde douche with Crest? A: She heard it reduces cavities.

199. Q: Why are blondes immune to men? A: They’ve been inoculated so many times.

200. Q: What’s a blondes favorite drink? A: A penis colada.

 

 

 

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