Here we have an awesome collection of funny sayings that will surely brighten your day and make you smile, these funny sayings will surely make you smile throughout your day. This list can be a source of inspiration for speeches, letters, weddings, greeting cards, birthdays, and goodbye/farewell messages. Here goes our list of 100 funny sayings, we hope you’ll find them interesting
A List of Funny Sayings
1. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it- Bob Hope
2. Debt is normal. Be weird -Dave Ramsey
3. The Trick is to stop thinking of it as “your” money -IRS auditor
4. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway-???
5. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
6. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”― Rodney Dangerfield
7. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
8. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”― George Carlin
9. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket -Kin Hubbard
10. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake
11. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
12. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
13. There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t.
14. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair
15. The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain’t so- Mark Twain
16. He has not a single redeeming defect – Benjamin Disraeli
17. When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory – John Mortimer
18. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes)
19. “Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table.”
20. “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
21. “Reality continues to ruin my life.”
22. “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
23. I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces – Mark Twain
See Also: Church Sign
24. Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age – Groucho Marx
25. I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building – Charles Shulz
26. Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness – Ambrose Bierce
27. “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”
28. “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
29. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
30. “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
31. Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts – Peckeroy
32. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy -Groucho Marx
33. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money -Jackie Mason
34. Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort -Helen Gurley Brown
35. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well – Len Deighton
36. The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments -Mad Magazine
37. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair -Sam Ewing
38.Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
39. Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind -Kay Ingram
40. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore -Yogi Berra
41. Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper – Source Unknown
42. My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a director – Cole Porter
43. He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job – Source Unknown
44. A Father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be -Unknown
45. Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his kids to college -Bill Vaughn
46. What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about? – Curtis Spencer
47. We are the people our parents warned us about – Jimmy Buffett
48. In the game of life, it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season – Billy Vaughan
49. I am having an out of money experience -Unknown
Funny Sayings Continues
50. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to -Dorothy Parker
51. We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure -Keith Davis
See Also: Wedding Quotes
52. The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity than a friend is a creditor -Unknown
53. The shinbone is a device that is made for finding furniture in a dark room.-???
54. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others – Groucho Marx
55. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does – Source Unknown
56. USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population – Dave Letterman
57. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place-???
58. An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops -???
59. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.-???
60. “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.-Terry Pratchett
61. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” Rodney Dangerfield
62. The more you understand, the crazier you get.
63. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein
64. At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. ~ Patrick Moore
65. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain
66. Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood
67. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R – Dennis Miller
68. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.-???
69. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.-???
70. “It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.”
71. “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
72. “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
73. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
74. “Everything you can imagine is real-somewhere.
75. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein
76. Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town? – Mark Twain
77. A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on – G. C. Lichtenberg
78. Duct tape is like the Force; it has a dark side, a light side, and it’s what holds the universe together.-Duckluv
79. The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
80. When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.
81. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
82. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
83. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
84. True friends won’t pick rainbow road in Mario Kart.
85. The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything
86. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side
87. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter
88. Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
89. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money -Gordon Liddy
90. Money will buy you a pretty dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail -Henry Wheeler Shaw
91. By the time I have money to burn; my fire will have burnt out -Unknown
92. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it -Unknown
93. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments – Flip Wilson
94. I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them – Mark Twain
95. A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another – Source Unknown
96. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.-???
97. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.-???
98. life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while-???
99. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.-???
100. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.-???
See Also: British Sayings & Slangs