Here are some of the best funny quotes and sayings in the world right now, we have carefully selected this list and hope you have fun reading it. Feel free to share it with your friends so they too can join in the fun. Although these funny quotes were coined by someone else, but go ahead and share their witty words yourself!

Best Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

2. The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.

3. They look so much alike, like two drops from the same end.

4. If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

5. There is a lot of conscience in me, but there’s a lack of time.

6. ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…

7. Not all the things are that bad, as everything that is wrong so bad.

8. Don’t say that you’re working; better show what you have earned.

9. You’re my favorite thing to do.

10. You are lucky to have me & vice versa. Happy Valentine’s Day!

11. I would press pause on fifa for you.

12. If I had feelings I would have them for you.

13. I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned.

14. My husband thinks I’m crazy, however he’s the one who married me.

15. Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

16. If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

17. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

18. FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

19. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a

20. sandwich named Kevin.

21. The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.

22. To weigh 50 kilos and say that you’re fat, that is so female…

23. I have been to many places but my goal is to go everywhere.

24. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

25. Work is for those who don’t know what fishing is!

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26. I need a six month vacation, twice a year.

27. People who have their shifts on weekends hate when you talk how much happy you that it’s Friday.

28. Sometimes I write down my tasks that I have already done just to get the satisfactions of crossing them off.

See Also: 50 Things To Say When Someone Dies

29. I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend.

30. To be faithful to someone who you don’t love- is hypocrisy to yourself.

31. Love has ended, but she will be sorry for that…

32. Love warms you up, when you have it.

33. Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

34. A human is afraid of two things: to live and to die. He gets used to everything else gradually.

35. An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

36. A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

37. If you got tired of living, don’t share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to

38. Change your mind…

39. Once in a while, something fails to fail, and we call it success.

40. I’m not a Facebook status, you don’t have to like me.

41. I don‘t care what was said about me. Just tell me why they were so comfortable to say it to you.

42. I found your nose in my business again.

43. Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

44. Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

45. If you can’t get someone out of your head then maybe they’re supposed to be there.

46. If Mayans could predict the future, why didn’t they predict their extinction?

47. Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I’m thirsty.

48. Don’t forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.

49. Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.

50. There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.

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51. Sometimes even when you brake you can’t stop.

52. It is not bad if you got stood up, it is worse if you liked it.

53. I love to travel. It’s a way of meeting new people, opening the gates of new cities. Signed by Genghis Khan.

54. Everyone has a conscience: it doesn’t matter if he wants it or not.

55. It seemed like we were screwed. It appeared it didn’t seem like that.

56. A badge on the 150 kilo man: I’m tired of living; ask me if I want to lose weight.

See Also: 100 Famous Sayings – Popular Sayings

57. After another crisis it is getting obvious why the spoon is used according to the design. However, we use it as a musical instrument.

58. Carlson is not that scary, only his propeller is.

59. Alcohol not only helps to make new acquaintances, but also end the old once.

60. If only I knew that I will have this headache today, I would have got drunk yesterday.

61. All the problems fade before a hangover…

62. Sorry, I think I missed the reason why your opinion should be important.

63. Life is the internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.

64. Life is life, no matter the pose.

65. Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

66. Love is a field of chemistry, and sex – of physics.

67. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

68. So there would be something to be silent about, there is always something to talk about.

69. A trolley infected with a controller is like a rotten apple: not that bad from the outside, but used only in extreme cases.

70. Winged phrases are passed from mouth to mouth, and that way they multiply.

71. Colorblind are lucky people! They don’t notice the greyness of the daily routine.

72. Friends come and go. Enemies pile up.

73. You don’t have to have friends; you just have to be friends with them.

74. My friend’s friend is my friend. My friend’s girlfriend is my friend. My friend’s boyfriend is just a scum.

75. It is good when a dog is your friend, but when your friend is a dog…

76. Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand…

77. Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade.

78. I have a hangover. I didn’t even drink last night; I just have kids.

79. I am in a relationship with working and it’s complicated.

80. Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

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81. Life is a race where everyone is trying to lead so that they would finish last.

82. You have to admit that Mondays aren’t that bad, it’s probably your job that sucks.

83. In every company, there is an ass hole – a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite.

84. The mind is a woman’s value, until there’s a man around.

85. Life is a game where there is no ‘setup’.

86. Life is like a fairy tale – the further the scarier.

87. Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.

88. After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names…

89. It’s better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.

90. You won’t break our will: we drank, we are drinking and we will drink.

91. You won’t drink away the alcoholism.

92. In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don’t have such a principle.

93. Nothing makes you happier than your friend’s failure.

94. What if there were no men in the world? There would be lots of happy and fat women!

95. Women can perfectly understand other people if the people are not men.

96. Life is a book and the army is a page, torn at the most interesting chapter.

97. Life is like a train journey. Someone gets in, someone gets off, and someone switches the wagon.

98. Why does everyone say that women love money? They don’t, look how fast they spend it.

99.Women, stop losing weight. We will lie on planks in our grave.

More Funny Quotes and Sayings

100. Women are very good! They can forgive a man…even if he’s not guilty.

101. Now you understand why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up.

102. If you came to work late, you should at least try to leave it earlier.

103. I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

104. Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

105. You turn me on.

106. 99% of men Love’s Day understand as Making love day.

107. If you fall in love with 2 guys – stay with the second, because if you really loved the first one it would never have happened.

See Also: 100 Family Saying – Things To Say About Family

108. How many times I was dying from love. Thanks to my venereologist.

109. Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.

110. One time separates love from hatred.

111. Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

112. It’s better to give birth once than to complain every day.

113. From two vices I always choose the one I haven’t tried yet.

114. There are lots of good people, but much less of useful ones.

115. A road to a man’s heart gets shorter, when he has a car.

116. Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

117. A beautiful woman delights a man’s eye, an ugly – woman’s eye.

118. A toast to women: it’s not that good with you, as it is bad without you.

119. A bright mind is a necessity while shopping.

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120. If you didn’t hear it with your own ears, didn’t see with your own eyes, then don’t think nonsense with your little brain and don’t talk with your big mouth.

121. Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

122. You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you’re sleeping with.

123. You only see that the money is not the most important thing in life when you have it.

124. Don’t look for ‘the one’ in night clubs and bars; she is sleeping at home during the night.

125. Why when a girl sleeps with a guy she is called a slut, but if a guy sleeps with a slut – that is not the same?

126. Don’t look for a perfect woman – today I will be at home…

127. Is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, is also called day off?

128. You should make a great man for yourself, but not get a made one.

129. The pleasures of life can be both innocent and guilty.

130. No other hobby takes away so much time, money, strength and health as a woman.

131. When a woman’s heart gets cold, her head starts working.

132. There’s good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.

133. What is Napoleon’s legacy? The cake, the cognac and psychos.

134. To be faithful to someone who you don’t love- is hypocrisy to yourself.

135. Love has ended, but she will be sorry for that…

136. Love warms you up, when you have it.

137. Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

138. I don’t want to go to heaven after my death – there won’t be any of my friends.

139. The most effective cleaning time is 15 minutes period between your friend’s call and his visit to your house.

140. There are two mysterious people, living in my flat. They are somebody and nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

141. Dear mind, please stop thinking so much at night – I need to get some sleep.

142. The length of one minute depends upon on which side of the toilet you are.

143. Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

144. Love is a field of chemistry, and sex – of physics.

145.You were born yourself, now help the others.

146. If you see green, it doesn’t mean the spring has come.

147. The row saw me and happily waged the tail.

148. Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

149. You don’t work – you don’t have money to live, you work – there’s no time to live.

150. Only with work, everything is vice versa…

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