Getting older can be funny, as these old age jokes prove. We just can’t get enough of these old people jokes. And yet another collection of jokes is here for us to enjoy. Not just for old people alone, anyone can enjoy these.
Jokes About Old People – Jokes For Old People
1. Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+-year-old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
2. Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
3. Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow’s feet and all the wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.
4. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store? A: I remember these.
5. Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him? A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
6. Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking? A: The valet won’t forget where he parked your car.
7. Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
8. A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
9. Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older? A: Yes, but it’s usually in the afternoon.
10. Q: Where should old people look for glasses? A: On their forehead.
11. You know your old when the last birthday cake light is lit the first candle has worn out.
12. I’m youthful on a basic level. Somewhat more seasoned in different spots.
13. “The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.” Sophie Tucker
14. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” Patrick Moore.
15. “I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch.” Woody Allen.
16. “At my age flowers scare me.” George Burns.
17. “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three husbands and two
of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner
18. Might you live to be old to the point that your driving scares individuals.
19. Age is only a number that decides how upbeat, appealing, and capable you are.
20. I adore asking children what they need to be the point at which they grow up on the grounds that despite everything i’m searching for thoughts.
21. When somebody said “10 years back”, despite everything you think about the mid 90s.
22. At the point when my mom was 90 she took out a memorial service arrangement with Age Concern. She has determined that she need cremation. The letter of affirmation offered her ‘a warm welcome’.
23. In 63 now, however that is only 17 Celsius.
24. “He is alive, but only in the sense that he can’t be legally buried.”
25. “A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” Groucho Marx.
26. “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” George Burns.
27. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my
nap.” Bob Hope
28. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.” George Burns.
29. “I do wish I could tell you my age but it’s impossible. It keeps changing
all the time.” Greer Garson.
30. “Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had
pimples.” George Burns
31. “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control
of your estate.” Woody Allen
32. “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to
be anywhere.” George Burns.
33. “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” George Burns
34. “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my
ears meet.” Rita Rudner.
35. Everyone my age is getting so old.
36. “Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.”
37. “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.” Herbert
38. “I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in it’s holder is a thrill.”
39. I know how to make my wife drive all the more painstakingly: I advised her that on the off chance that she has a mishap, the daily papers would print her age.
40. You know old when your ears are furry than your head. Your companion supplement you on your crocodile shoes yet you’re not wearing any shoes. Besides, your blood classification is suspended.
41. You’re just youthful once, however you can be juvenile for eternity.
42. They didn’t show history when you were at school, clearly, in light of the fact that history hadn’t been imagined in those days.
43. We spend the initial twelve months of our youngsters’ lives showing them to walk and talk and the following twelve instructing them to take a seat and quiets down.
44. You know you’re getting old when you need a vacation, from your vacation!
45. The dangerous age is anywhere between one and ninety-nine
46. Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old. It’s knowing that he’s married to a grandmother
47. You are getting older when you remember when a girl with hidden charms, hid them.
48. Our aim in life improves as we grow older, but it seems that we soon run out of ammunition
49. Some people are like plants, some go to seed with age, and others just go to pot
50. You have arrived at old age when all you can put your teeth into… is a glass
Old People Jokes One Liners – Short Old People Jokes
51. You know you’re getting older when it takes you longer to get over having a good time than it took to have it!
52. At the point when attempting to tally the candles on his birthday cake, we were driven back by the warmth.
53. You’re getting older when you are on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does
54. Children are a comfort to us in old age, and they’ll help us reach it faster, too!
55. Growing older is when you really learn what the statue of limitations is all about
56. You’re getting older when the girl you just smiled at thinks you are one of her father’s friends
57. Remember when you saved up for old age? Now you just save up for April 15th
58. You know you’re old when you take a nap to get ready for bed.
59. You know you’re old when your head makes dates your body can’t keep.
60. You know you’re old when you use valet parking to avoid losing your car.
61. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
62. The problem with getting old is that there’s just no future in it.
63. You just can’t win. When you get too old for pimples, you go right into wrinkles!
64. There are 3 things that indicate you are getting older, first there is loss of memory……. ……
65. The worse thing about growing old is having to listen to the advise of one’s children
66. Does it take you longer to rest than it did to get tired?
67. A nice thing about aging and losing your memory is you meet new friends every day.
68. A nice thing about aging is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
69. A nice thing about aging is there’s no such thing as a joke you’ve already heard.
70. A nice thing about aging is it’s already a great day when you wake up and nothing hurts.
71. A nice thing about aging is when you lose your glasses they’re usually close by, like on your forehead.
72. An Idaho man said, “At my age, by the time I find temptation, I’m too tired to give in to it.”
73. George Burns once said, “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”
74. An aging gentleman in the hospital refused to eat a bowl of jello. He told the nurse, “I’m not going to eat anything that’s more nervous than I am.”
75. “I’m not saying she’s getting older, but when she lit the candles on her birthday cake, five people passed out from heat exhaustion.”
76. An antique dealer told me, “Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less.”
77. Grandpa said, “By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.”
78. Growing older is when, “You’re too old for castor oil and too young for Geritol.”
79. My secretary says that, “Some people grow up and spread cheer; others just grow up and spread.”
Old People Birthday Jokes
80. We are born naked, wet & hungry, then things get worse.
81. You’re a classic, you only get better with age!
82. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
83. A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it.
84. If you see me getting smaller, I’m leaving.
85. I used to jog 5 miles a day; then I found a short cut.
86. A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.
87. A person who has a right to boast doesn’t have to.
88. I used to be a man of vision, before the medication cleared it up.
89. Just when I find the key to success, someone goes and changes all the locks.
90. I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem
91. I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
92. Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
93. If a woman’s place is in the home, why am I always in this car?
94. Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking to myself.
95. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
96. My wild oats have turned to mush.
97. I’ll be spontaneous when I get around to it.
98. I’m at that awkward age between desirability and complete senility.
99. I’m not old, I’m youthfully challenged.
100. Aged like fine wine, complex & fruity.
101. Enjoy your birthday, you’re not extinct yet!
102. After fifty everything that doesn’t hurt doesn’t work!
103. Chaos, panic & disorder…. my work here is done.
104. Be kind to your kids; they’ll be choosing your nursing home.
105. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
106. I don’t have hot flashes, I have power surges.
107. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.